Hopeless.

If I'm being honest, I can't believe I'm writing this for all my friends and family to see but I think it's probably time that I let it all go and reveal what a hole I was in over the last five years and feeling like I was too helpless to get out of it. 

However, now - I am ready to tell everyone because possibly it could help someone else. 

My first push to getting myself out of this depression wasn't actually my own, I was dumped. A five year relationship that I changed my whole life for had ended, it also ended over text of all things. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown into a fucking deposal unit only to come out mangled and deformed. I didn't know what to do or who to tell and I didn't even know where I was going to live. 
I knew that I wasn't going to be homeless but my mind couldn't work out everything that was going to change - I had literally just taken a new job at work, did I have to waste people's time and turn it down before I'd even really started. 

In the next few days I had told a few friends what had happened but in reality I had pushed a lot of my friends away and distanced myself from a lot because of where I was, how I felt and I felt like I couldn't reach out - maybe I was too much of a bad friend now? 

Inside I knew that this wasn't the case, it was just my mind going into an overdrive, telling me all the stupid things that weren't true, well I know that now. 

I have two friends in my 'online book club' that helped a lot, they helped me see a lot of ridiculous things that I really couldn't see. Alice and Emily have really been amazing over the last few months. They've let me cry, vent and scream if I needed to, they also offered me a place to stay when I was too scared to tell everyone else that my whole life had gone tits up. 

I remember two months ago, walking into my works office absolutely balling my eyes out because I couldn't cope with it anymore.  I think I was probably close to going to doctor and getting medicated at that point but again, I just didn't think I was worth it still. 

Not only did I get dumped, a scammer took all my money in crypto currency - no fault of my own but it really pushed my limits because it was during my moving process. 

Hopelessness isn't something you truly understand until you actually go through it. However, my parents helped me out, my brothers and friends were constantly checking up on me and my friend Jess was more than willing to go to house viewings with me even though she had her own shit going on.

I'm too nice to slate all the things that happened in the last five years but I just wanted to get all of this off my chest as I am finally happier, healthier and in control of my emotions. I have gone down one whole dress size and I'm actually washing properly again. Disgusting right, but that's what it does. 
People need to being so scared to actually discuss mental health because its nothing to be ashamed of - it took me a whole 5 ish years to learn that. 

If  you have read this, then.. great I guess maybe you've learned something, maybe you're a friend who thought I'd pushed them away. 

And please, if any of you love me - ignore the rest of this website IT NEEDS UPDATING. 

Love you all.